This is What Scientologists Actually Believe!

Your mind is completely unprepared for what is about to happen to your reality.

75 million years ago, there was an emperor named Xenu.

This Guy

Xenu ruled over the ENTIRE galaxy, that is, the Milky Way (which, if you really think about it, is a terrible name for a galaxy, or anything for that matter).  Xenu had a problem.  All of the planets he ruled over were seriously over-populated, and only a few could even sustain life.  But that was ok, because Xenu had a plan…

First, Xenu picked a random, unsuspecting planet for his master plan.  The Planet he picked was called Teegeeak. This planet was Earth, or at least it was called Teegeeack back then.  Remember this…

Next, Xenu enlisted the help of psychiatrists, lots of them.  Most of the inhabitants of the galaxy were very sad at the time (hey you would be too if you lived in a military dictatorship which was over-populated).  So Xenu made everyone go to mandatory psychotherapy sessions, where they were prescribed drugs.  These drugs were basically roofies, you know, the date rape drug everyone warns you about.  That’s right.  The first phase of Xenu’s plan involved Date Rape.  Things can’t possibly go downhill from there… Until they did.

Xenu had the knocked-out aliens (what, you thought they were human?  Ha!)  Loaded into DC 737s that had the jet engines replaced with “space engines”.  He then had all his victims flown to Teegeeack (aka, Earth) and stacked around volcanoes (think Lincoln Logs).  He then lowered H-bombs into the volcanoes, which caused the volcanoes to erupt, creating what was perhaps the most spectacular genocide ever.

There was one huge problem, however.  The ghosts of these aliens were left over.  So Xenu, in his infinite wisdom, built electrical fences and caught the ghosts, as if they were God-dammed Alaskan King Crabs on the season finale of Deadliest Catch. He then had these ghosts sent to movie theaters.  Built on-world.  Here on Earth after the simultaneous explosion of every volcano on the planet.  Real Smart.  Once in these theaters, the ghosts were shown movies (of course, what else would you do at a ghost/alien movie theater?  Pick up chicks?)  These movies were about Jesus and Muhammad and Buddha and the foundations of modern western thought.  They brainwashed the ghosts and made them Believe “crazy things like Islam and Christianity and inalienable rights.”  (Get it?  Inalienable Rights?!)

As the ghosts of these aliens exited the theaters, they clumped together.  Seriously.  The whole intangible thing apparently doesn’t apply after watching a movie, apparently.  These ghosts clumped into what are called “thetans”, or as the anti-BS community refers to them, “Big ghosts”.  They wandered the Earth aimlessly for years, until they met …

This Guy

So these things have been annoying the hell out of us for millions of years, doing everything from causing insanity and depression to moving the remote when you’re not looking (those bastards! I knew I didn’t leave it in the fridge!).  Why?  Cause fuck those guys, that’s why.

But don’t worry, because we have hope.  On March 13, 1911, LaFayette Ronald Hubbard was born.  Thousands of years of evolution climaxed with his birth.  That’s right, not just culminated.  Climaxed. Like [[EDITED FOR THE PROTECTING OF YOUR SANITY]].  Yeah.  Like that.  L. Ron, as he became known, worked with the leading occultists Satanists metaphysical researchers of his day, Alistair Crowley (famous for reportedly eating babies and practicing ritual rape and sacrifice, as well as just being a serious dick) and Jack Parsons (famous for founding the Jet Propulsion Laboratory and trying to win the Cold War through demonic intervention).  Hubbard took a break during World War Two to single-handedly defeat the Nazis.  After the war, Hubbard returned to the good ol’ USA.  He took several wives, all of who ended up either insane or dead.  He was involved in a huge power struggle with Parsons after Crowley’s death, and proclaimed himself the true Anti-Christ.  He was involved with several attempts to create a “moon-child”, and I’m not gonna get too technical (and it’s really disturbing anyways), but it’s basically an Anti-Christ, but a chick-version of one. After that, however, he became a science-fiction writer and discovered his true purpose:  to rid the world of thetans, those ghost things from earlier (yeah, forgot about hose guys, huh?  That was probably them!).

How does one get rid of one of these thetans you ask?  Simple!  You’re deprived of all medicine, from simply cough drops to vital psycho-therapeutic drugs, and are forced to relate your life to a complete stranger, who may or may not tell on you if you even express a hint of doubt about the procedure.  Think of it as a police interrogation, but with more allegations of sexual abuse and less police brutality lawsuit settlements afterwards.  Oh, and the “auditing” will cost you about 40,000 dollars.

What? You thought they actually believed this? Money, baby!

Five Place To Eat This Valentine’s Day

Romantic Places to Eat Around Town

So you’ve decided to go with the regular old Dinner-plus-Movie Date for Valentine’s Day.  Good job being unimaginative.  But there still hope!  Your choices for a decent movie place are slim-to-one –Village Cinemas in Uptown— but you’ve got a whole array of places to chow down with that special someone!  I’ve gone through the trouble of eating at most restaurants around Uptown, and did you the favor of listing the best five!  Good luck— and next time, be a little more creative, like a concert, or a movie then dinner.  Smart, huh?

1)      Crepes and Grapes

Great Idea, Right?

The go-to Uptown fine dining option, Crepes and Grapes is as romantic as it gets.  With great food, great atmosphere and great service, it’s no wonder that this restaurant is considered one of the best in town.

Then Again…

Wasn’t the point of this article to be creative?  Shame is, Crepes and Grapes is most people’s knee-jerk reaction to going on a date.  Odds are both you and your date have been here more than a couple of times.

The Final Verdict:

Sure it’s probably overdone, but then again, there’s probably a very good reason for that:  It’s good.  You can’t really go wrong here, and if you’re into playing it safe, this is the place to go.

2)      Ciao Panini Grill

Great Idea, Right?

Looking for decent Italian food at a somewhat affordable cost?  Then Ciao Panini is for you!  Selling good sandwiches at about eight dollars, the area where this café really shines is in the imported Italian pastries.  Wanna impress that special someone?  Practice your Italian and buy a pack of soffice merenda farcite con fragola, or strawberry-filled sponge cakes.

Then Again…

The only real trouble here is how far removed from Uptown this little restaurant is.  All the way on the corner of Friends and Penn, it’s not a good idea if you’re walking.

The Final Verdict:

If you’ve got a car or dating a jogger, this is another great spot to eat at.  In case you do, make sure to order those pastries I mentioned!

3)      Amachi’s

Great Idea, Right?

Traditional Japanese food, anyone?  Seriously, this is one of the most underrated eating establishments in town.  Located behind Mimo’s Café, across the street from Green Dollar, this place is truly great.  And besides, who has ever had a bad experience in a Japanese restaurant.

Then Again…

Most people really enjoy Japanese food, that is, until their airways close.  Shellfish, peanuts and an assortment of exotic flavored ice creams all make appearances on the ingredients list.  Make sure to ask if your date has any allergies, and you’ll be fine.

The Final Verdict:

Amachi’s is actually a pretty great place to have a date.  Its combination of great food and great service is perfect, and the quiet atmosphere is perfect for a more serious affair.

4)      Teriyaki Grill

Great Idea, Right?

Fast food Asian fare, this spot is a relative newcomer to Uptown.  Close to the movie theater, this place really shines in being health-conscious.  And the teriyaki isn’t too bad either!

Then Again…

A fast food joint?  Really?  You might as well hit Pepe’s!  Sure it’s nicer and cheaper than almost everything on the list –except Number Five—but your date would have to be unbelievably easy going to have a good time here.

The Final Verdict:

My tip: Do the Peter Griffin.  Ask your date before hand.  If she reacts negatively, play it off as a joke.  But if she cool with it, then you should be too!

5)      Homemade Dinner

Great Idea, Right?

You want to impress that special someone, but you’ve got no money, right?  Make it at home!  This sweet gesture will instantly score you points with anyone, and saves you cash too!

Then Again…

This one hinges on one very important requirement:  You have to actually know how to cook.  Sure it’s cute to bring your date burned spaghetti, but watching the pained expression on their face is sure to kill any mood might have had going.

The Final Verdict:

If you can pull it off, do it.  There’s nothing better than watching the sun set in the park as you and your loved one have a homemade dinner before watching a movie.  Or head over to the School Auditorium and watch the GREAT Twelfth Night.  But that’s only if you want to be creative or something.

Fight Club For Valentines Day

(This is an article I wrote for the Newspaper.  Also, I’m thinking of trying this for reals.  If I met a girl who would be cool with watching Fight Club on Valentines Day ((and, you know, actually get it and enjoy it)), I think I would ask her to marry me!  or, ask how she feels about District 9)

If you thought that Fight Club was all about murder, mayhem and soap, you were wrong.  This movie, starring Brad Pitt and That Other Guy (I want to say it’s Edward Norton, but that sounds like a brand of pretzels…) has been called a lot of things, from “morally repugnant and socially irresponsible” (Anita M. Busch, The Hollywood Reporter) to “Macho porn!” (Roger Ebert, The Chicago Sun-Times), and I’ll admit, it isn’t your average date movie.  But would you really have to be crazy to watch this with your significant other this Valentines Day?  No, no you wouldn’t.

Murder. Mayhem. Soap. How much more romantic can you get?

First let me give a quick breakdown (yes, this DOES mean spoilers!).  The main character (who is never named, so we’ll call him Chris) hates his life.  Chris works a dead-end job selling insurance.  The closest thing he has to a hobby is collecting Ikea furniture.  In short, his life is a by-product of consumer culture, and frankly, sucks.  In a vain attempt to give his life meaning, he goes to testicular cancer support groups.  There he meets Marla, a suicidal woman who he falls in love with.  At the same time, he meets Tyler Durden, a psychotic soap salesman, and the two start a “Fight Club”, a club where men get together and beat the living crap out of one another.  However, as Marla and Chris’s relationship progresses, the Fight Club gets out of hand and develops into “Project Mayhem”, an anti-corporate terrorist group.  As Chris races to stop Project Mayhem, he has to keep Marla safe, before Tyler blows up every major bank in the city with nitro-glycerin made from soap.  I won’t give away the ending, but it’s worth watching.  But with your boyfriend or girlfriend?  Hear me out.

I Like Myself

Fight Club is the perfect love story for three good reasons.  First of all, throughout the entire movie, Chris’s number one concern is Marla’s safety.  As far as he’s concerned, Project Mayhem can go ahead and demolish every bank in the world so long as they don’t hurt her.  Not only that, but Chris and Marla are the definition of soul-mates.  They are both suicidally depressed, and hate materialist culture.  They’re perfect for each other.  The biggest hint that shows how much he loves her though, is that everything that happens in the movie is because of Chris’s love for her.  He starts Fight Club because of her, goes along with Project Mayhem, and almost dies trying to save her.  He doesn’t say that he loves her at all in the movie, but constantly proves it.

So, what I’m trying to say is that, although it’s no P.S. I Love You, Fight Club is definitely a movie worth watching if you have an open-minded significant other.

(So, what do you think?  Comment please?)

Mongolian Death Worms=HOLY $#!+!!!!

I’ve seen some pretty freaky stuff in my long 16-and-a-half years.  I’ve seen grown men die trying to light a fart.  I’ve seen dudes shoot heroin (Scary Shit, please don’t ask).  Hell, I saw Avatar.  But even I would keep my piss in its place (basically, anywhere that isn’t my pants) if faced with one of these mother-huggers:

Mongolian Death Worm Skeleton

What The Hell is That?!?!?

That thing was found in Mongolia, deep in the northern Gobi desert.  Some dude just found it.  A three foot worm skeleton.  In the desert.  Holy Shit.  And before you freak out and yell “WORMS DON’T HAVE BONES!” in the comments, I know.  That’s a protective covering.  You know.  Cause of the sand.  Where they burrow and whatnot, so they can come up from underneath you, Tremors-style.  But more on that later.

The native Mongolians call it the olgoi-khorkhoi, with literally means “intestine worm”, as in “worm that looks like some dude’s intestine”, not “worm that actually live in some dude’s intestine”.

Oh yeah. Totally Different.

The Worm Itself

As the name implies, it looks like some dudes intestine.   It’s bright red in color, and is speckled with dark blotches sometimes, much like the cast of Jersey Shore. The Worms are purportedly (fancy word meaning “Guy who knows a guy says that…) between 2 to 5 feet long and thick bodied. Sometimes, they are said to have spikes on the end, as if a massive, blood-colored worm wasn’t terrifying enough.

That's It.

That sound bad?  It gets worse, kind of how Care Bears are pretty bad, but the Pedobear is worse.

Damn, He's Freaky

Take this particularly delightful quote from Wikipedia: “The Mongolians say that the olgoi-khorkhoi can kill at a distance, either by spraying an acid-like substance or by using an electrical discharge.”  What.  The.  Fuck.  The Acid is believed to be sulfuric acid, which is so acidic, it kills any living thing in the places where it bubbles up, like in Ethiopia.  At any rate, the Mongolians believe that it can corrode metal.  Not only that, but the thing is basically a five-foot taser, and say that touching any part of its body will cause instant death.  Also, it has a thing for the color yellow.  The same way that Rambo has a thing for killing people with pretty much anything he has on him, like Bear Grylls has a thing for being grossly irresponsible, or Obama has a thing for not living up to expectations.

Then Again...

What Else Could This Be?

1) A Type of Land-Based Electric Eel

One popular belief is that the Mongolian Death Worm is a type of land-based electric eel, an adapted hanger-on from thousands of years ago when the Gobi Desert was an inland sea. Electric eels do actually come to the surface every ten minutes or so to breathe air. So it’s possible that an animal of this sort could adapt to live on land once its watery romping ground had dried out. Then again, no known electric eels can emit poison.

2) A Figment of Mongolian Imagination

You know… Maybe they made this shit up… just to scare.. us…

*hides under covers*

One thing you gotta consider is that the Gobi Desert is one of the emptiest places on Earth.  The people who live there are thousands of miles apart.  And they rarely have block-parties so it isn’t like they even know those people anyways.  So how is it that seemingly everyone knows about this thing?…

3) A Snake

You’ve all heard of the infamous “Spitting Snake”, right?   It’s not too hard to think that there could be a huge one, and it could be blood red.  Hell, in the desert, that would make sense!

Only problem:  Snakes can’t shock people.  The few anymals that can generate an electric charge all live in the water.  So it ends up being the reverse of the Eel up there.

No matter what what this thing is, I’m gonna go ahead and play it safe… by avoiding anything that could ever make me end up in Mongolia and burning all my yellow shirts.  They go for that sort of thing, you know?

Yeah, like tha- Wait, What the Fuck?

Who The Hell is Sarah Tang?

So, recently, I got a Facebook.  Don’t ask me why, I still can’t properly answer that question.  But anyways, I make it a point to only join groups where I personally know the people in it or accept friend requests from people I know.  So I’m there, just Facebooking and whatnot and I get this Friend Request.  Not an unusual occurrence, I know a lot of people.  I see it and it’s from a person calling themselves “Sarah Tang”.

I don’t know any Sarahs named after the blood of innocents orange flavored drink, so I ignore the request.  But this blog post isn’t about me ignoring some random Friend Request.  It’s about the fact that no one knows this “Sarah Tang” person! When John Tupanjanin said that she was a recently graduated “Drama Kid From House Crew”, no one remembered her.  And they all got Friend Requests from her.  The next day, a small poll was taken and FIVE OUT OF FIVE people think that she is fake.

So all I’m trying to say is “Who the Hell is Sarah Tang?”  I asked around, and here are some theories…

1) A Robot

John Tupanjanin thinks that she’s a robot.  I asked him that and that’s the answer he gave me.  Now he might have just meant that she was like, an ad-bot (like those porn spammers on pretty much every forum for anything).  But this is my blog, so I’m gonna go ahead and say that he meant that Tang is a Terminator-style web-bot, sent from the future to silence important people.  You know, like leaders of The Resistance.  Or Kanye West.

Why it makes Sense…

Well, first there’s the fact that she has some sort of basic knowledge of who we are, and everyone else just found out she exists.  Also, she’s actually talking to people, and going so far as to flirt with them! And if you were a Terminator, wouldn’t you gain people’s trust by flirting with them?

Then again, maybe she just is an ad-bot, and all her posts will consist links to Scientology Forums and Free porn.

…And Why it Doesn’t

Cause if she were a Terminator, she could hack police databases, say we are all child pornographers, plant evidence everywhere and have us locked up and out of the way by next Saturday.

And even if she isn’t a Terminator, it’s unlikely she’s a web-bot if she is having any sort of conversation.  But then again, she could be…

2) An Elaborate Prank

Here’s a fun way to mess with your friends.  Go up to them and, as convincingly as you can, try and convince them that something that never happened actually did.  Don’t go too big (Don’t say they were in a lightsaber fight.  A trip to the movies will do) and stick with it.  If you can get it just right, their brains will magically fill in the blanks.

According to this medical journal:

Your brain kind of plays it fast and loose when it stores memories, and for good reason: Usually the details don’t matter. You remember your best friend’s phone number but don’t remember exactly where and when he told you. You remember that you hate zucchini, but don’t remember what day of the week you tried it. Your brain breaks up memories into a stew of general lessons learned and important stuff you’ll need later.

Why it makes Sense…

Think about it.  You and a couple of mates are at home getting loaded doing homework and you think “Hey!  Let’s make up a completely fake person!”  One thing leads to another, one lie covers up another, and soon…

Ad-Bot? Elaborate Prank?

…And Why it Doesn’t

Well, if you think about it, it sorta does.  People get bored though, so if Tang drops off in a few days, you can bet that this was it.

3) Someone with a Grudge… Aw, Screw it You’re all Thinking it.

SHION!  That’s probably not how his name his spelled, but whatever.  Think about.  Are you thinking?  Well, whatever.

I personally have nothing against him (EXCEPT ONE THING FOR WHICH I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM!!!!) but I do know that he had few friends, and such people are inclined to be, well, dicks.  And dicks are, well, inclined to create fake personas with which to either 1) gain the friends they never could in real life or 2) mess with them.  Tang has managed to do both.  In days.

Why it makes sense…

A close friend of mine said it best when they said that “Shion would probably to something douche-y like that.”  AND WOULDN’T  HE?!?!?!!?

… And Why it Doesn’t.

Once, again, it sorta does.  Except someone with a score to settle would hold out A LOT longer.  So don’t expect a big reveal anytime soon.

Got Your Own Theory?  Think I Should Spot Capitalizing Every Word?  Any Other Thoughts?  Well, I WANNA HEAR THEM!  (Not Really, but seriously.)  Comment if you have anything to say, or just want to make a dick joke.

We have met the Enemy, and his name is Cullen

Work of complete fiction spawns Religion

*Disclaimer* This is not a joke

If you thought it was bad seeing crowds of teenage girls numbering well into the thousands scream in unison at a bunch of actors, then prepared to be deeply disturbed.

“As a Cullenist we believe:
Edward and the rest of the Twilight characters are real
Stephenie Meyer is the (or one of the) best author(s)
The twilight series should be worshiped”

That’s right, Twilight Cultists.  Cullenists, if you will.  For the low price of your dignity, you too can believe that the Cullens are real, that Meyer is the best author in the world, and, if you’re a good little cultist, that you will spend eternity with the characters of Twilight!  Cullenists are also required to read Twilight every day, and celebrate several holidays, such as Cullenmas (Holiday fail) the anniversary of Edward’s turning into a vampire, and Confrontation Day (The Epic Discussion at the end of Breaking Dawn).

This is not a joke.  There are actual people out there who actually believe that the Cullen’s are real and must be worshipped.  Not even Scientology can get this INSANE.  “I am actually offended on behalf of real religions,” one anonymous blogger commented.  Not only that, but several Cullenists have even gone so far as to attack “Antis”, people who point out Twilight’s shortcomings.  There are several “Twilight Fan Assault Directories” on the Internet, and the famous (or infamous) TwilightSucks board has been attacked several times.

Not only are we now seeing Twilight Cultists.  We’re seeing violent Twilight Cultists.  Cullenists.  And in the back of my head, the only question is: How long before we see Cardinals for Cullen?

New post, bitches!

Pictured: Sexily Flamboyant

Nice. Thanks Camille.

News…. and some changes

So… I’ve decided that this story needs to be properly told.  And I mean TOLD.  and I’m working on that.  But meanwhile, I have a new site, specifically for the Fanfic, along with a proper introduction.

Don’t worry, I’ll find something better!

http://thegrandschemeofthings.wordpress.com/

The Hero Returns!

Hey mates. Haven’t written in a month. sucks, eh?

So, me and a friend, Kenneth, are currently involved in a story slash epic poem we are gonna write (separately). Yes, its about us. Yes, If I know you, YOU ARE IN IT. He was concerned with the writing styles and which would work best. I wanted to know whether or not thy would ” write fanfics about us”.

So, without further ado, here is the prologue to the first “fanfic, but of real life”…

———————————————————————————————–

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

I looked over to my right. On the nightstand next to my bed was the damned alarm clock. It’s shining blue digits pierced the dim penumbra of the room where, mere seconds ago, I slept. I lifted my hand over it, held it in place for a few seconds, and brought it crashing down on the device. I sat up and looked around.

Nothing out of the ord- I noticed a slight bulge on the bed next to me. A beautiful, subtle female form lay there, still asleep. I didn’t know who she was. Only that she was the most beau-

“Aw, fuck, I’m fantasizing again, aren’t I?!?!?!!?” I asked God in utter dismay.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

I looked over to my right. On the nightstand next to my bed was the damned alarm clock. It’s shining blue digits pierced the dim penumbra of the room where, mere seconds ago, I slept. I lifted my hand over it, held it in place for a few seconds, and brought it crashing down on the device.

“Jesus-Frakin’-Christ” I looked at the time and date on the clock: 5:47— 19 JUNE 2021. I sighed, and got up out of bed. “I gotta tell Mat not to make me go drink with him so late…” I sat up and looked at my little corner of paradise. My room was an utter mess. The floor near the closet was littered with discarded clothes I kept meaning to clean up. A metal book shelf stood near the door. The wall next to it was covered in newspaper clippings. To any sane person they wouldn’t make sense. Even the titles: “Turtle Flu: This Year’s Fashionable Epidemic” “Project Chanology Claims 0 Victims; Scientologists Still Butthurt” “Guess What? Jews and Black People Are Pedophiles Too!”. No-one could possibly tell you what they all meant.

“I wrote these…” I mumbled, taking some time for an egotistical belly rub. I smiled as I saw my first real investigative article in the corner. “Sweating With the Cheer Squad”… “Haha… that sounds like a porno…” I giggled and walked over to the room’s window, taking in the view. The early morning sun shone of to the left, and down below me, Little Tokyo was waking up. Another I shrugged as I got towel from the closet. I frowned, looking at the mess at my feet. I stooped and heaved up the mass of clothing, dumping it into the closet’s laundry chute. In a few hours, 200 dollars of service charges would pay for it to be cleaned, ironed and delivered. I marveled at my laziness… and promptly wandered over to my shower…

Lying on the floor next to the bed was a cell phone, the seventh generation iPhone. Three hours of standing in line last November, in the rain and thunder. And in two weeks, it would be obsolete. FIVE NEW TEXT MESSAGES the phone read. FROM: ALEX, AMBER, BRYAN, KENNETH, MAT.

Twitter Experiment = EPIC FAIL!!!

So, I was gonna talk to some teachers and see what they thought about using twitter in the classroom, right?

And talk to some students, right?

And see what the pundits were saying, right?

Well, I caught a cold, so screw that.
Twitter experiment restarts next week.